


Knight So Black

by SilverMidnight



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Angst, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:23:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8614936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMidnight/pseuds/SilverMidnight
Summary: Deeks begins to question his place on the team and has to try to figure out if he stays or leaves. Does the team find out what's going on before it's too late and they lose the detective forever?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am on a roll with this writing thing! I only have a vague idea what I'm going to do with this story so I hope it turns out well. Will update warnings when we get further into the story.
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

Staring up into the moon washed sky Deeks let out a sigh. He had been sitting on the roof of his car looking at nothing for what felt like hours. Which was completely possible. Though it was also possible five minutes had passed and it only felt like hours. He didn't know anymore.

In truth, he didn't think he knew anything anymore. At least the things he had thought he knew were… Nope. No matter how many times he said it or how much he changed the way he said it nothing made him feel better about the situation.

He had thought that he had finally found a home. A place where the people around him truly cared about who he was. Where people looked at him and saw past everything that the rest of the world saw. He had never been so wrong in his life.

It had been years, _years_ , since he started working at NCIS. Didn't that mean something to someone other than him? That was the question that kept bouncing around in his head. It's was also the question that he was doing his best to ignore.

Deeks could feel tears start to prickle at his eyes causing him to growl to himself. It had been years since he allowed himself to cry and he wasn't going to start now. They didn't deserve for him to shed tears because of them.

Nodding his head the blond decided that once he got off the hood he was going to put it behind him. He was a strong person and for too many years he allowed people to decide his happiness. He made himself so miserable for so long and he wasn't going back.

It was odd to think, but he loved working at NCIS. Yes, there was many, many issues he had with his 'team', but everything else was really nice. If he could he'd like to stay on at the federal agency. He just wasn't sure he could stay working with the people he already did.

Sitting up Deeks ran a hand through his hair wanting to pull it out in frustration. He had almost exactly what he wanted and now he had to decide whether or not he was going to walk away from it all. It wasn't fair that he had to.

He just couldn't deal with feeling as if he was less of a person somehow. Being put down was something that he had had to deal with since he was a kid. It shouldn't bother him that people always thought the worst of him no matter what he did.

It was one of the reasons why he decided to become a lawyer and then a cop. He wanted to be one of the good guys after everyone thought so poorly about him. He refused to let them push him into becoming exactly what they said he would be.

He wasn't that man! Dammit! Deeks had thought that at the very least Callen would understand that, but he was like the rest of the team. Somehow he was still the odd man out and there was nothing that was going to change that.

Deeks knew exactly who he was. It took him having a job where he spent most of his time pretending to be someone else. That's how things happened sometimes though. You learned so much about who you were by proving who you weren't.

Taking a deep breath he swiped a hand over his eyes wiping away tears he refused to cry. It wasn't going to be easy, but he had to talk to Hetty about his future. Not only with NCIS, but with Callen and the rest of the team.

Sliding off the head of the car he started to assure himself that he was making the right choice. He loved his team even though it was clear they didn't love him. The last thing he wanted to do was walk away from them.

He had to take care of himself though. Which meant that he was going to have to leave them. It would feel horrible to walk away, but it would hurt more if he stayed and listened to their abuse. He couldn't do that to himself.

Taking out his phone he checked to see what time it was. His phone said that it was a little past two o'clock in the morning. It was too late to call Hetty and see if she had the time to met with him. He'd deal with that tomorrow.

Unless… Maybe it was for the best that he took a few days and thought it through. The last thing he wanted to do was make a choice without giving them a chance. He doubted that he was going to change his mind anytime soon, but he wanted to think it through.

Sending a text to Hetty he said that he wasn't going to make it into work in the morning. He knew that she was probably asleep, but it would be easier to lie and say that he awoke in the middle of the night throwing up and sent the text before passing out.

He knew that it was extremely stupid to attempt to lie to the woman, but he had to risk it. When the real reason behind him missing work came out he knew she would understand. Or he'd lose that special bond that they had.

Deeks truly had no idea why the woman seemed to like him so much but he was extremely glad for it. When it felt as if the rest of the team only needed him around as a punching bag he could go to her and have a cup of tea. It was nice.

He had never really had a grandparent, but Hetty was as close to one as he would ever get. The blond held no qualms against saying that he did in fact love the older woman. She was part of his family and he didn't want to walk away from her.

That was one of the biggest issues he had with leaving Team Callen. He loved some of the people that he got to see. Hetty, Eric, Nell, and Nate were some of his favorite people and the idea that he wouldn't see them everyday broke his heart.

Taking one last deep breath he put his phone away and climbed into his car. He needed to get some sleep before the thoughts suffocated him. As much as he knew he needed to think about everything he also knew he needed to sleep. No good decision came when one was sleep deprived.

It took awhile for him to get back home, but by the time he did he couldn't wait to lay down. Opening the door he watched Monty sit up his tail starting to wag in excitement. No matter how bad and tired he couldn't help smiling and sitting next to him on the couch.

"Hey, boy," Deeks greeted scratching at his head, "Have a peaceful day?"

Monty's tongue rolled out of his mouth as he moved to half lay on the man. The smile grew on his lips as the dog's warmth soaked into him. A soft sigh left him as his body relaxed into the couch. He couldn't help feeling better now that he wasn't alone.

"Yeah," Deeks continued looking up at the ceiling, "I got to say that you have the life. Mind me crashing it tomorrow?"

The dog's ears perked up at that. It wasn't often that he got to spend the day with Monty. Even on his days off he was doing something or another for either his neighbors or one of the shelters that he volunteered at. He hated sitting still.

Maybe that was one of his issues. He never gave himself proper time after an assignment to deal with what happened. In truth, he had never felt as if he had had to. He was pretty good at separating himself from the character he had been playing that week.

It was one of the reasons he was so good at his job. He was good at realizing who he was and then using that to make whomever it was he needed to be real. If it wasn't real to him than how was it supposed to be real for the people he was trying to trick?

Deeks took pride in his work. For a long time it was just him working the case. He was the one that the whole assignment rested on. In the end solve the case or not he was the one that had to do all of… Well, everything.

That meant that he had to be on the top of his game no matter what was thrown at him. He had to know fashion, cars, TV shows, books, and everything in between. At any given point in time he was both the smartest and the stupidest person in the room.

There was a handful of things that he wasn't the best at. One of those things was languages. Something that everyone on the team was good at. He had tried to learn German at the local annex, but he had to skip too many classes to pass.

For awhile he thought about asking one of the team, but something always stopped him. It wasn't even an unknown something. He knew exactly why he never went to any of them for help. He didn't want to look stupider than he already did.

A soft whimper left Monty causing Deeks to look down. The shaggy dog was staring up at him in full puppy dog pout mode. Smiling he bent down to press a kiss to the mutts head before patting his backside to get him to stand up.

"Alright," Deeks spoke walking into the kitchen, "You've already gone for a walk so let me get you some food while I shower."

Pouring some food into the dog bowl he put it down and went into the bathroom. He hoped that having a nice hot shower would relax him enough for an easy nights sleep. Just get out of his head for a few hours. Just a few hours.

Stripping out of his clothes Deeks attempted to avoid looking at the mirror. He knew that he wasn't a bad looking guy, but it was always hard when he saw the scars that littered his body. He almost had more scars than he knew what to do with. It was not the best thing.

He both loved and hated seeing his scars. It reminded him of all the times that he had been hurt because he wanted to keep someone else safe. That was his job. He could deal with being in pain as long as it was to keep someone else safe.

In truth, one of his biggest pet peeves about police, in any form, was that they wanted credit for everything they did and they hated having anyone try to help. To him it didn't matter who solved the case as long as the bad guy was behind bars.

That was another reason why he liked to work alone. Having to deal with someone's ego pissed him off. The job of a cop was to keep people safe. It was not to rack up as many arrests they made single-handed. Sadly, a lot of cops forgot about that.

Shaking his head Deeks climbed into the shower. He was doing very badly at the whole 'don't think of work' thing. It was just so hard. His entire life basically only focused on work. Hell, even his dog was part of his work.

Groaning Deeks dropped his forehead to the cold tile. He needed to stop thinking. It was just driving him insane. If he didn't get a chance to stop thinking he was going to end up doing something stupid. Like simply walking away from everything without trying to solve the actual problem.

Taking a few deep breaths he went on with the rest of his shower. If he could just get into bed he could possibly fall asleep. He had all of tomorrow to think about the situation. For now he was going to curl in his bed and sleep.

Once he was clean he got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. Without bothering to dry off more he left the bathroom and went into the kitchen. Monty was just finishing off some water when he walked in. Deciding that was a good idea he poured himself a glass.

"Don't give me that look," Deeks said looking down at the mutt, "I'll eat tomorrow. Off to bed with us. I'm… I'm tired."

Putting the now empty glass in the sink he and Monty went into the bedroom. Blue eyes looked over at his dresser knowing he should at least put boxers on. He was just so tired. The idea of doing anything but climbing under the blankets.

He didn't bother even taking off the towel as he slipped between the sheets. A sigh left his lips as he closed his eyes. He had thought it would be hard to fall asleep, but as soon as his head hit the pillow he was out like a light.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on a roll with this writing thing! I only have a vague idea what I'm going to do with this story so I hope it turns out well. Check warnings per chapter!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

Drumming his finger on his desk Callen stared at the empty desk across from him. It had been three days since he had last seen or even talked to Deeks. Actually, no one on the team had talked to the man. Something was wrong.

At least, no one was saying they had talked to him. Looking over at Hetty's desk Callen wondered if this was another thing that she was lying about. She and the younger man had a different relationship than the rest of the them. One Callen had no idea how to explain.

He had known the older woman for years and he had never been able to figure out why she did half of what she did. It just made him question whether or not the two of them had known each other. Neither of them ever made any indication that they knew each other though.

That was something that he expected from Hetty. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if she was somehow connected to all of them. It was simply different with the younger man. As if she had a stronger connection to him than she did to the rest of them.

In the end it all simply reminded Callen that not only did he still not know anything about Hetty, but he also didn't know Deeks. How was it he didn't know the younger man at all? It wasn't as if he was a closed off person. Was he?

Thinking back over the years the detective had been part of their team Callen began to question what he knew about the man. Deeks wasn't a quiet person. He might not be an open person, but Callen was sure if he asked a question he'd answer honestly. So why was it he knew nothing about the man?

Shaking his head Callen stood up and went to grab a cup of coffee. As he took a drink he turned back to the desks and saw Sam shaking his head at something that Kensi had said while she threw a paper ball at him.

For awhile it had just been the three of them. Of course Eric was a part of them, but he was usually upstairs. It was the three of them out in the field putting their lives on the line to make sure that the others on the team and civilians were safe.

Still, there had been something missing. Callen had known that, but he hadn't known what to do about it. He couldn't bring a new element into the team when he didn't know what was missing. That was why Hetty brought the people onto the team.

When she brought in Dom Callen had thought that the void had been filled. In a way it had. The young man had been so new to the job that it brought out the parental nature in all of them. They had wanted to keep him safe.

That didn't workout all that well. He had been thrown into the deep end without knowing what he was doing. It had all been too much at once and he had paid the ultimate price because he just wasn't ready for their world.

Callen had no doubt that Dom would have made an excellent agent if he had been given the chance, but he had died too young. Wasn't that always the story. One that none of them hand been all that keen on repeating any time soon.

Which was why it wasn't all that surprising that the next person she brought in was already a skilled undercover operative. To this day he still wasn't sure if Hetty had organized their meeting with the detective so she could bring him in.

That sounded exactly like something she would do. With how recent the death of Dom had been when they met Deeks he knew that the older woman had studied his life. It made him think that she knew exactly what was going on.

Sighing Callen started to go back to his desk feeling a headache starting. Something that happened every time he started to try to figure the woman out. It was something that he tried to avoid but ended up doing anyway.

Hetty wasn't the main focus of his thoughts though. That honor belonged to the missing detective. He was supposedly homesick, but there was something off about the whole situation that made him want to go banging on the man's front door and see if he was alright himself.

The only thing that was stopping Callen from doing just that was Kensi. According to her he hadn't answered the door for her and when she started to pick the lock Monty started to growl. She wasn't even sure he was there.

That made him all the most positive that Deeks wasn't sick at all. He was avoiding them. Unless… Was it possible that he had been sent on a mission with either LAPD or NCIS without any of them knowing about it?

It wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility. It wasn't often that they were sent on missions alone, but it did happen. Since Deeks also belonged to two different agencies he could easily be pulled away for LAPD.

Which meant that Hetty knew, at least vaguely, what was going on with Deeks. Groaning Callen let his head fall onto his desk causing both Sam and Kensi to stop what they were doing and stare at him.

"You okay there, partner?" Sam questioned putting his pen down.

"Something is going on with Deeks," Callen answered looking up.

"You heard Hetty. That man's sick. It's not surprising. Half of my daughter's school is out right now."

"Do you not believe that?" Kensi asked jumping into the conversation.

"No, I don't," Callen shook his head, "I'm not sure who's lying though. I don't know why they'd lie. Something is going on with him. I know it is."

Callen watched Sam and Kensi share a look. He could tell that they were skeptical about his feeling, but with how long they'd known each other they knew not to dismiss his feelings as nothing. They had already learned that lesson.

"Alright," Sam nodded his head, "What do you think is going on?"

"I don't know," Callen shrugged, "There's something we're missing. Something that's going to bite us in the ass if we're not careful."

"G, we need more to go on than that."

"We'd have more if Deeks would answer the door. Why would he ignore us like this? He's got to know that we're worried about him. Three days. Have any of us been out of contact for three days?"

"When we're working," Kensi supplied spinning her pen between her fingers before freezing, "Wait, do you think Hetty sent him out on a case alone?"

"On the LAPD," Callen reminded her, "It makes sense. Deeks never just drops off the face of the Earth."

"Why are you so sure that something's going on? I mean, I know that you're concerned, but Deeks is good at what he does. And if he is sick it makes sense that he doesn't answer the door. He's probably fast asleep in bed and Monty's in guard mode. He wouldn't let anyone in if Deeks is sleeping."

"I know and we're all good at our jobs. We all need help sometimes, Kens. Look, I know it doesn't make sense, but we need to talk to him."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Mr. Callen," Hetty spoke startling all of them.

The three agents looked over at the woman curiously. Hetty was all for team getting together especially when on of them was in need. Being out sick for three days was definitely a good reason for the team to plan a group visit.

It just made Callen think that he was right about he younger man being out on a case. It was the only reason that made sense to him. What didn't make sense was the way Hetty was staying so silent about the whole damn situation.

She should have had the normal reaction of protecting the younger man. Instead she was lying to them about him. Why would she do that? Unless Deeks asked her to keep quiet? She might be willing to stall for him while he worked on whatever he worked on.

What was it exactly that the man would be working on? Callen couldn't say for certain whether or not the younger man had something in his past that he was searching for. Hell, he couldn't even say what had happened in the man's past at all.

That was the problem with not knowing the person you worked with. He still didn't understand how he couldn't know one thing about Deeks after working with him for so long. It, along with everything else, made no sense to him at all.

"Hetty," Callen spoke up after no one said anything, "Is there something you need to tell us?"

"What do you ask, Mr. Callen?" Hetty questioned calm as ever.

"Because Deeks has been 'sick' for there days and you don't want us to check on him."

"As you know I hate when my agents fake an illness. If Mr. Deeks was faking I'd be more than happy to send one of you to go retrieve him. For now, leave Mr. Deeks alone. He need the rest."

Hetty turned away from the team after saying that. There was something in the tone of her voice that had Callen's stomach dropping. It almost sounded as if she was sad about something. Except she usually hid that from them.

That meant that whatever it was had shaken her to her very core. He knew that there were a ton and a half of things that could cause that kind of reaction, but that didn't stop him from thinking that it had everything to do with Deeks.

Standing up he got to her office just as she sat down. Now that he was paying attention he took a good look at her. He had to admit that she looked worse than he had ever seen and he had seen her with a bullet in her stomach bleeding to death.

With a soft sigh he moved to her cabinets a poured her a glass of whiskey. It was a little early, but with the way she looked he didn't think she'd mind. Maybe it would be enough to get her to answer at least part of his next question.

"You were with Deeks," Callen offered placing the glass in front of her, "Weren't you?"

"I was," Hetty admitted after downing the alcohol.

"He's not doing well, is he?"

"No, he is not."

"Is there anything we can do?

"I don't know, Mr. Callen. I just don't know."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on a roll with this writing thing! I only have a vague idea what I'm going to do with this story so I hope it turns out well. Check warnings per chapter!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

Deeks stared at his phone taking in the text he had just gotten. It had been three days since he had decided to take time to figure everything he was thinking out. In those three days he hadn't left the apartment outside of taking Monty for walks once a day.

He also had been refusing to talk to or see anyone on the team. It was a sad fact about his life that no one else bothered to contact him. As much as it hurt him he knew that he had no one. At least now that he was thinking clearly he realized that he had no one.

It had been so many years since he had someone he thought he could trust. Of course he counted Ray as his best friend, but he couldn't actually talk to the man anymore. Well, he could, but that would involve jumping through more hoops than he cared to think about.

To this day he still wondered about the man. The last thing that he had gotten from his best friend had been a photo of his baby girl. Little baby Harper Gray. He had said that Deeks was her Godfather, but it was unlikely he'd ever get to met her.

A small part of Deeks was glad that he'd never get to meet the small babe. He knew that he wasn't exactly the best person and the last thing he wanted to do was mess up a little kid that he should be helping protect. That was the job of a Godfather. Right?

Sighing Deeks placed his phone down and ran a hand through his hair. He missed Ray more than he thought he did. For the longest time his best friend was the only person he could count on. Ever with them being on different sides of the law.

The bad thing about thinking about Ray though was that it always lead to thinking about his parents. Which was something that he tried to avoid at all cost. It was also something that he failed at doing at least once a day.

When thoughts of either of his parents filled his mind Deeks felt sick to his stomach in fear. As bad as it sounded he loved both of them to this day. Even with the abuse. He just couldn't help himself and he had spent years trying to force the feelings away.

It wasn't that easy though. His mother was a wonderful and beautiful woman. She was a little on the short side. If he remembered correctly he was only a few inches shorter than her and he had only been eleven. They had been planning to get a cake when he was finally taller.

He could remember the two of them sitting at the kitchen table doing the crossword puzzle from the news paper. She said that it was something that she and her mother had done. She was the smartest person that he knew. It always confused him how she ended up with someone like his father.

He was the complete opposite of her. The man was a giant. Okay, he towered over the child so that made him terrifying. That and the fact that he was always growling and drunk. If they were lucky. Them unlucky ended with a visit to the hospital.

To this day Deeks hated going to the hospital. He couldn't help thinking of all the hits and kicks that his father delivered him. The way his mother would beg for him to stop while his father screamed every abuse was what stuck out for him.

It made everything so confusing. He should hate his father for everything he did, but he didn't. At least not in the ways he was supposed to hat him. Deeks could handle the physical abuse that he had to deal with as a child. He could even deal with emotional abuse.

What always got to him was the way his mother would beg and cry for him to stop. No matter how many time he thought about it that was the things that he got caught up on that. It broke his heart knowing that he was the cause of her pain.

Okay, to technically it wasn't his fault that his father went off the deep end after he was born. That all fell on the man, but he couldn't help feeling some responsibility. He couldn't be all bad if his mother had been wit him for so long? Right?

Sighing he stood up and began to pace his living room. He hated thinking of who his father could have been. If he had been a good guy before Deeks came along than what hope was there that he wouldn't become a bastard like his father?

That was his biggest fear and it probably always would be. He tried his hardest to prove that he was his mothers child instead of his fathers. Deeks wanted to be the good guy so badly. If he could just prove to everyone that he was the good guy.

The only problem with that was that he wasn't sure he was the good guy. For how well he did at separating himself from the characters he played he knew that there were a handful of them that were easier to play than others.

The phone buzzing on the table knocked Deeks from his thoughts. Sighing he picked it up and saw that it was from Kensi. She had been trying to get in contact with him through text and even stopping by, but he hadn't bothered to answer her.

It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to her. He just wanted to make sure that he had everything clear in his mind before talking to the team. The last thing he wanted to do was change his mind just because he didn't want to hurt his friends.

A dark chuckle left his lips at that thought. He never realized how much he was a glutton for punishment. He knew that the team could barely stand him and he still thought of them as good friends. It was beyond stupid of him.

Shaking his head Deeks deleted the text message before opening the one he had gotten earlier in the morning. The message was from Hetty. They had been almost talking over the last few days. Enough so that he knew she knew he was faking sick.

He was confused about why she hadn't sent someone to drag him into work. No matter how much they all thought she was able to read their minds he was positive that she had no idea what was going on. At least he hoped that she had no idea.

How sad would it be if she knew exactly what was going on but didn't do anything? Deeks was almost positive that he could trust the woman though. To be more specific she had yet to give him a reason to not trust her.

Licking his lips Deeks read over the address once more. He knew that the place was probably one of the safe houses that she had, but he still had a good feeling about it. There was a reason that she was one of his favorite people that he knew.

Sending a message back to her saying that he'd like to meet her for lunch he placed the phone down once more. He could keep hiding from Kensi and the rest of the team, but if Hetty wanted to talk than they were going to talk. Maybe they should have a conversation.

There was no doubt in his mind that she loved her team, but she loved him too right? She would be able to see past her own feelings and talk to him about the situation with an open mind. He didn't really have anyone else he could talk to.

Unless he could convince her to give him the number that Nate was using now. He always liked talking to the man. No matter what was said during their talks he felt completely safe. Nate was never going to betray him by telling anyone what he felt.

That was exactly the kind of conversation that Deeks wanted to have. As much as he knew he had to be the one to figure everything out he liked to talk things through. Sometimes having someone else's opinion was what he needed to see things clearly. Maybe Hetty could help with that.

Going into his bedroom he patted Monty on the head before going to his closet. It was odd but a part of him wanted to dress up for the meeting. It made no sense why he would do that. Hetty had seen him at his worst she didn't care how he looked.

Still, he found himself reaching for some of his nicer clothes. At the very least he would look good on the trip to the bar after everything blew up in his face. There was a very large chance that it was going to end extremely badly.

Once he was dressed he left the house and went to the meet up sight. A chuckle left his lips when he saw the house. It was this grand building that made him think of her. While her body might be small she was anything but.

"Oh, Hetty," Deeks smiled getting out of the car, "How did you get his place? Win it in a poker game?"

"Blackjack, actually," Hetty offered appearing next to him.

"Gah! You really are a ninja, aren't you?"

"Hello to you too, Mr. Deeks."

A blush came to Deeks cheeks at that. There was something about the older woman that made him feel like he was three again. His mother used to say that he always jumped in feet first without thinking things through. He hadn't grown out of that.

"Sorry," Deeks apologized clearing his throat, "Good Morning, Hetty."

"Good Morning, Mr. Deeks," Hetty replied giving him a smirk, "I'm glad to see you're okay."

"I don't know if that's the right word."

Hetty stared at him for a moment as if she was studying him. Which wasn't all that surprising. She always seemed to be studying everything around her. The only difference was she normally never let anyone read her so easily. So why was she now?

Before he could say anything she motioned towards the house and started to walk. Deeks followed her quietly his mind running wild. There was something going on with the woman. She never acted like this unless something major happened.

Was it possible that something happened to the team while he was gone? Was that why Kensi had been calling him so much? No, if someone was in danger Callen or Hetty would have tried to contact him. At least he hoped they would.

His heart was pounding by the time they got into the dining room. The table was already set with two plates. There was no food yet, but seeing Hetty sit down he followed her lead and sat at the place across from her.

"Is everything alright, Hetty?" Deeks asked softly, "With the team? They're not in trouble?"

"No," Hetty answered calmly picking up a cup of tea, "Everyone is alright. Except for you."

"Right. Except for me."

"Three days is a long time, Mr. Deeks. Have you gotten any closer to figuring out whatever it is that is bothering you?"

"No...Yes… I think I have some answers, but I don't… I hate what I came up with."

"I feel as if I won't like this solution either."

A sad chuckle left his lips as he reached out and started to make himself a cup of team as well. He knew that he was just trying to buy time, but the last thing he wanted to do was see how disappointed she would be in him.

Staring down at his tea he tried to think of the best way to say what he needed to say. The last thing he wanted to do was make her upset with him by insulting the rest of the team. He wanted to leave them, yes, but not her.

That's what was getting to him the most. His life without Kensi, Sam, and Callen wasn't going to change much. Yeah, they hung out sometimes, but they weren't really friends. Nothing was going to change between them if there were suddenly out of each others lives.

It would be different if he lost contact with Hetty, Nate, Eric, and Nell. He wanted to keep his friends in his life and he had to walk way from them to help himself. That choice was absolutely killing him.

"Mr. Deeks?" Hetty spoke knocking him from his thoughts, "We can't fix the problem if you don't tell me the problem."

"I don't want to make you upset," Deeks whispered before taking a deep breath, "I don't want to work on Callen's team anymore."

"You want to leave NCIS?"

"No! Hetty, I love NCIS. The last thing I want to do is leave, but I can't work on that team anymore."

Hetty stared at him silently for a moment before nodding his head. He didn't know if she understood why he was saying it, but he could tell that she wasn't upset with him. She simply wanted to know what was going on in his head.

"What are you trying to say, Mr. Deeks?" Hetty questioned taking a sip of tea.

"As much as I want to stay at NCIS," Deeks started licking his lips, "It might be time for me to leave."

"You don't believe that things will change with the team?"

"If they haven't changed by now they never will. I'm okay with going back to LAPD."

"Maybe you don't have to."

Reaching to a file she had on the table she handed it to him. Deeks cocked his head to the side before opening the file. He instantly recognized the papers. They were the same ones that she had handed him all those years ago.

A smile came to his lips seeing them. She still wanted to bring him into NCIS. She still thought that he would be a good agent. At this point he was sure that she was the only person that had complete faith in him.

"Hetty," Deeks sighed shaking his head, "I'm not… You actually think I'd be a good agent?"

"I wouldn't have brought you in if I didn't," Hetty smiled gently.

"Who would I be working for?"

"Myself, Assistant Director Granger, and Director Vance. You will answer directly to me but since you won't have a team the Director will use you as help for any NCIS team that needs it."

"You don't just mean in LA, do you?"

"No, I mean any team in the world. While you might technically live in LA it's unlikely you'll spend much time here. All of that is second though."

"To what?"

"Mr. Deeks, you are a very skilled operative. In America. If you do this you won't just be in America."

"So… What does that mean?"

"It means that you will have a lot of things to learn before you start going on cases."

"Like what, Hetty?"

"Languages, accents, foreign policies, international laws, and many more things. You are a very intelligent man so I know it won't be difficult for you."

Staring down at the papers Deeks wondered if he was making the right choice. He wanted to be an NCIS agent and he loved learning, but he knew that it would be easier to go back to LAPD. Was all of this work it?

"Take a few days, Mr. Deeks," Hetty offered placing a hand on his, "It's a big decision."

"It is," he agreed with a nod, "Do you think I could get some of the things I'll have to learn? Need to know what I'm getting into."

"Of course. You'll have them by the end of the day."

Hetty was the first to stand up from the table. Following her lead he stood up and started to leave the house. It was odd, but he felt so much lighter now that they had talked it through. It felt good to know he wasn't disappointing her.

"Thank you, Hetty," Deeks smiled slightly, "I know that this isn't what you thought would happen when you brought me in, but I'm still glad you did."

"As am I, Mr. Deeks," Hetty replied smiling back, "I do have one question."

"What?"

"What do you want to leave the team?"

"I don't belong there. None of them want me there and I know they don't respect me. I'm not an agent so I'm not good enough for them. I tried to learn the things they knew and for awhile I thought of asking them for help, but they'd just laugh at me. That's not the type of team I can work on. Thank you again. I'll tell you my answer in a few days."

"Have a good day, Mr. Deeks."

"You too, Hetty."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on a roll with this writing thing! I only have a vague idea what I'm going to do with this story so I hope it turns out well. Check warnings per chapter!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

Callen stared at his phone wondering if he should send a text to Deeks. It had officially been a week since the younger man had been into work and they still hadn't heard anything from him. There was defiantly something more going on.

It wasn't just Deeks absence that was concerning him though. There was also the fact that Hetty was acting so strangely. It was as if she was finally letting the weight of the world crush her. He never thought he'd see the day that would happen.

That was the reason he was beginning to question whether or not the younger man was going to be coming back. The older woman wouldn't be acting so strangely if Deeks was simply sick. Unless he was sick enough that he was on bed rest or something worse.

Hetty would tell them if Deeks was that sick though. Right? There was no reason for her to keep that from them. At least none that he could think of. He was missing something huge about the whole situation and no one else seemed to think so.

That's not to say they weren't concerned about the younger man's sudden disappearance. Kensi had been staring at his desk with a look of almost forlorn. She hadn't been able to stop herself from acting as if she had lost her brother.

Which was basically what had happened. Kensi and Deeks were close. At least, Callen had thought they were. He had to admit that once he saw that they were getting along he quit watching them closely. There was no reason to watch them.

Maybe that was a problem. He had basically walked away from the two of them. Not that he quit trying to get to know Deeks. He just no longer thought that he had to protect Kensi from the younger man. In truth, he still didn't.

If anything Deeks needed to be protected. Especially from Sam. It wasn't that the SEAL didn't like the detective they were just on two different sides of the spectrum. Opposites didn't always attract and they were proof that that.

Callen was sure that the two would get along if they tried. Okay, so Sam had to try harder. He had seen Deeks attempt to get along with his partner and get brushed off almost every single time. Sam had no idea how to handle the younger man.

During most of Sam's like he dealt with 'Military' types. There were certain rules that all the people that were in the military followed. Those rules usually weren't followed by civilians. At least not the exact same way. It got a little confusing sometimes.

The way they did things was just different enough that it rubbed Sam the wrong way. Add to that the fact that Deeks was so carefree and loved to joke around and the SEAL had no idea how he was supposed to work with the younger man.

That wasn't to say that Sam didn't like Deeks. He just… He didn't want to work with him. Alright, so Sam didn't fully trust Deeks to be able to do his job or to have his back. Which was something that the detective did not need to know.

Callen, on the other hand, knew that Deeks was a good operative, but he couldn't say he knew Deeks. How was that possible? They had been working together for years and, outside of what he read in his file, he knew nothing about him.

Shaking his head Callen got up from the kitchen table and put his phone in his pocket before leaving his house. He needed to get some fresh air before he drove himself insane. There were points in time he hated being the team leader. Usually times when team members were mentally hurt.

That was exactly what Callen thought was going on. Deeks might be sick, but it wasn't a physical illness. It was completely possible that he needed to take a break from work. It wasn't all that unlikely for them to need to take a minute to get there head on straight.

Maybe that was what was going on. If Deeks needed time than he needed time There was no reason for that to be a secret. What worrying was the fact that he was gone for so long and was basically cutting the team out of his life.

Right there was a pretty good reason for Hetty to be worried. If she really had talked to the younger there was a chance that he was thinking of not coming back. They could be very close to losing a team member and they didn't know it.

A sigh left his lips at that. He didn't want to lose the younger man. He might not know the man all that well, but he did consider him a friend. Maybe he should ignore what Hetty had said and go see how Deeks was doing.

Shaking his head he stopped walking and looked towards the beach. It was a little after ten in the morning on a Tuesday so the beach, while still busy, wasn't completely packed. It was peaceful to watch the surfers ride the waves in.

Blue eyes traveled over the beach before locking onto a scruffy looking dog. Smiling slightly Callen walk over to Monty taking in the stuff that was around him. Besides a bottle and a bowl of water there was only a book resting against the dog's side.

"Hey, Monty," Callen greeted kneeling next to the dog, "Mind if I look at this?"

The dog stared up at the agent but made no movement to stop him as he picked up the book. He looked at the cover for some clue, but there was no words or pictures. Shrugging to himself he opened the book and saw that it was full of legal jargon.

That wasn't all the surprising. Callen had known that the man was a lawyer since about the first time they met. He also knew that he kept up that degree in case they needed it during a case. Knowing actual law helped going undercover and a crooked lawyer.

The thing that was surprising was that it wasn't California law. No this was a book about European laws. Is that why he was gone? Hetty had him studying international law. Maybe a case was coming up that needed that kind of knowledge.

It made sense for her to pick the younger man since he already knew what all the words meant. Deeks was expanding his knowledge either way. Callen had been waiting for the moment where the younger man asked someone on the team to teach him anything.

It wasn't difficult to figure out that the three agents had a different set of knowledge than Deeks did. He knew what it took to make it in LA. He still needed to learn so much if he wanted to become an agent. At least an international agent.

Callen had thought about asking the detective if he wanted to learn any language, but the last thing he wanted to do was offend him. He also figured that if Deeks really wanted to learn it wouldn't be all that hard to ask him or Kensi.

Looking up from the book Callen let his eyes travel over the waves. It wasn't hard to find Deeks. The man was a natural at surfing. He was definitely a Cali boy. Something that Callen had never been able to do.

He had tried to learn how to surf when he was younger, but it just wasn't for him. Deeks, on the other hand, lived for water. He looked so peaceful and actually very elegant. Which was not something that he thought he'd ever think.

"Callen?" a voice questioned from behind him.

Spinning around Callen found Eric and Nell walking up to him. Eric looked like he was ready to join Deeks out in the water. Nell looked like she was able to sit down to a good book and completely forget about the world.

A happy bark left Monty as he stood up and went over to the new arrivals. Callen had never seen the dog look so excited about anything Well, except when he saw Deeks for the first time after a long case. The dog must know Eric and Nell.

That was odd. Monty wasn't allowed up in Ops so there was no reason for him to know the two. Unless the three of them hung out outside of work. It wouldn't be all that shocking if they were friends with the detective.

Callen had to admit that it hurt his feelings a little. Deeks hung out with the wonder twins but not with the rest of the team. Did he just have more in common with them or… None of it made sense. What was he missing?

"Hanging out with Deeks?" Callen questioned standing up.

"Yeah," Eric nodded his head looking confused, "He needed a break from studying."

"International law. Case I don't know about?"

Instead of saying anything Eric and Nell shared a look that had Callen's heart dropping. They were in on whatever it was that was going on with the detective. If their look was anything to go on than it probably wasn't going to end well.

"He's thinking of leaving, isn't he" Callen asked softly.

"Callen," Nell tried to start.

"What happened? Why didn't he come to me if something was wrong?"

"We can't… It's not our story to tell."

"You think I should talk to Deeks."

"Not yet. It's… Look, we'll talk to him and try to convince him to talk to you before he fully commits to this."

"He hasn't decided to leave yet?"

"Please, Callen. Just wait for him to come to you."

Callen looked over at Deeks and saw just how peaceful he looked. As much as he wanted to go out there and demand answers he knew that Nell was right. He needed to wait for Deeks to come to him. At least wait a little while longer.

"Three days," Callen agreed with a nod, "I'll give him three days before I go talk to him myself."

"Okay, we understand," Eric smile happy, "Thanks and don't worry. We'll get Deeks to talk to you."

"Good. Make sure he's okay, alright?"

Nell offered Callen a smile as he turned and started to leave the beach He hated feeling as if he wasn't in control, but he had to walk away. The ball was in Deeks court now and going to him to force the subject would end badly. He had to wait. Impatiently.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on a roll with this writing thing! I only have a vague idea what I'm going to do with this story so I hope it turns out well. Check warnings per chapter!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

Shaking the water from his hair Deeks began to make his way towards Monty and his belongings only to freeze when he saw Eric and Nell watching Callen leave. It wasn't until the agent was out of sight that he could start moving again.

His heart was pounding in his chest by just the sight of the man and not in a good way. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he was actually more than a little afraid of Callen. Mostly because he was everything that the detective could never be.

Deeks knew that he wasn't nearly as smart or as skilled as the older man. He wasn't entirely sure how it felt, but he guessed that he was feeling exactly how a younger brother did towards an older brother that was just too good at everything he did.

It was annoying knowing that he would never live up to the older man, but it wasn't the worst part. No, that belonged to the fact that Callen thought of him as the annoying brother. The kind of brother that no one knew was related to the man even when they were in the same room.

At first he had thought that it would be nice to have a person like Callen in his life. The man had been in almost every government agency and a lot of different countries. He knew so many different languages and bits of their cultures. It would be interesting to learn from him.

Callen wasn't one of the people that shared any part of himself though. Every time he thought of asking the agent about anything, even things that weren't personal, he began to think of all the times he and the team made fun of him for not being as good as them.

A small part of him knew that he was acting ridiculous. Being on a team came with joking. It was a good thing. Except… It never looked as if they picked on anyone but him. It was like they were still upset that Hetty brought him in with no say to them.

When he was first brought on to the team he had known that he would have to work twice as hard to prove himself. It was something that he was used to. He had had to prove himself since he was born and nothing was going to change that.

He had no idea why he thought that being part of NCIS would change that. Still, he found himself disappointed every time one of them opened their mouths to say something to him. Even when it was a compliment it always seemed backhanded.

How was he supposed to work in a place where he knew the people that were supposed to have his back hated him? Especially in the job they had. He couldn't trust them knowing their dislike and distrust of him as well.

"Marty?" a gentle voice questioned a hand resting on his shoulder, "Are you okay?"

Looking over the detective saw Eric staring at him in concern. A sad smile came to his lips seeing his friend look like that. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt someone that he cared for. There weren't many he cared for, but he cared for them deeply.

Eric was one of those people. He was the first person in NCIS that he became friends with actually. It was something small like the younger man telling him about the swells that day, but it was just the beginning between them.

Over the years they had begun to hang out at the beach to surf. Which lead them to having breakfast before they went surfing. After that they started to play video games and having dinner. All of that lead to Deeks having a small crush on the younger man.

That was it though. They were friends. Which was something that Deeks had to force himself to be okay with. He might think about what it would be like if they were together, but in the end that was all he was going to be.

It took awhile to get over that, but once Nell came onto the scene he knew it was over. The two would make an amazing couple when they finally got to that point. It might take awhile to get there, but once they were they were in for the long haul.

Deeks shook his head knocking the thoughts away. He had moved past those feelings and that was where they were going to stay. Nothing good was going to come from things about Eric like that anymore.

"Deeks," Nell called snapping his fingers in his face.

"Sorry," he apologized taking a deep breath, "I'm okay. What did Callen want?"

"To talk to you."

A snort left Deeks as he shook his head and went back to his things. Monty was watching him closely as he put his board into the sand and sat next to him. Instantly the dog curled into his lap letting out a soft whimper.

Reaching out he ran his hand over Monty's fun his nails gently scratching. The mutt was basically attached to him over the week. It wasn't surprising. The only time he was at home for so long was when he was injured.

"Maybe you should," Eric shrugged sitting next to him, "If he knew..."

"If you have to tell someone the problem they aren't ready to fix it," Deeks supplied cutting him off.

"Or they're just blind," Nell offered with a slight smirk, "Marty, he really had no idea, but he wants to fix this. You don't have to do anything, but talk to him."

Once again Deeks found himself shaking his head. He was sure that he wanted to leave Callen and his team, but the idea of talking to the man seemed stupid. It would just be too easy for him to push his thoughts to the side and follow.

He wanted so badly to be part of something bigger. Something that he had been searching for since he was eleven. It wasn't just his father that he lost the day he shot him. He lost his mother as well. Just not in a physical way.

She pretty much shut down after he went to jail. He'd still be feed and taken to school, but he wasn't herself. As bad as it had been to live with his father living with the ghost of his mother was almost as bad. He hated himself for doing that to her.

He just couldn't take the beatings anymore. Couldn't take listening to the cries. The first time he picked up a gun he thought he was protecting his mother from the man that was hurting them. He had forgotten that she did love him.

The detective still didn't understand that fully. Actually, none of it made sense to him. After all of the abuse cases that he had worked he had thought he'd have a little more. In the end he was left even more confused.

"Marty, listen," Nell said kneeling in front of him, "I know that they hurt you, but Callen is trying to understand before it's too late."

"It is too late," Deeks shook his head, "I can't go somewhere I'm not wanted. I can't trust them to have my back when we're in the middle of a gun fight. They don't trust after years of working together and that is never going to change."

"Maybe not," Eric jumped in with shrug, "But does that really mean it has to be the end? I know they haven't been acting like it, but they are really good people. They're just acting incredibly stupid. I don't know why but they are. You just..."

"Why am I the one that has to do anything? I did nothing wrong. I was brought in to do my job and I did. Hetty thought that I was good enough, but at every turn they made me feel like I was an idiot because I wasn't an agent."

"So you're becoming an agent?" Nell questioned confused.

"I know. It's confusing. I'm not doing this to get them to like me though. I'm doing this because I like working for NCIS and I like working with Hetty and you guys."

A soft smile came to the woman's lips as she moved to over to pull Deeks into a hug. Smiling back he placed a kiss to his cheek before pulling away. Nodding his head he stood up and looked down at his friends wondering if he should listen to them.

He knew that it was a good idea to talk to Callen at the very least, but he was hurt by the way he had been treated. There was no excuse for it and there was nothing he could say that would make him feel better about what had gone down.

"Deeks," Eric stood up and stared into his eyes, "Talk to Callen. Yell at him for being an asshole or whatever you want to do. Not because he's the one that deserves it but because you do. You have to admit that they hurt you so you can move on."

"You think that would help?" Deeks questioned softly.

"I do. So you'll talk to him?"

Staring down at the ground Deeks thought about what the younger man was saying. Eric and Nell did know Callen better than he did. If they thought he was a good guy than he probably was. At least to everyone else.

He just hated that he was once again the one trying to change things. All of this time he had been attempting to fix things between all of them and had gotten nowhere. Why should he have to be the one that kept trying to do it all?

"Okay," Deeks sighed running a hand through his hair, "But this is the last time. I won't got talk to him again. If this doesn't work out I'm done."

"That works," Nell grinned standing up and clapping, "And if he says anything to you I'll punch him"

A soft laugh left Deeks lips at that. He really did have some good friends. Nell and Eric were some of the best people that he knew and he was lucky to have them in his life and he didn't want to lose them.

"Thanks," Deeks grinned leaning down to pick up his book and water, "Let's get out of here. I think I'm done surfing for the day."

"Really?" Eric questioned looking out at the swell, "Because we just..."

"Eric!" Nell interrupted elbowing his stomach, "Why don't you guys put your boards away and we get some lunch? You can tell us what you've been learning."

"You want to know about what I'm learning?" Deeks asked shaking his head, "You are insane, Velma."

"You know it, Shaggy."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on a roll with this writing thing! I only have a vague idea what I'm going to do with this story so I hope it turns out well. Check warnings per chapter!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

A yawn left Callen's lips as he poured himself a cup of coffee. It wasn't often that he felt tired but he hadn't been sleeping well for a week and last night he got no sleep at all. His mind was too focused on what was going on with Deeks.

After talking to Eric and Nell yesterday he had had his greatest fear confirmed. The detective was leaving his team and he had no idea why. He didn't think that it would hurt as much as it did to know that he was leaving.

If he was honest with himself though it wasn't just that the younger man was leaving. It was that he had failed. He was the team leader. It was his job to keep his team safe and he had failed. He failed Deeks.

Placing his cup on his desk the agent walked into the gym and back to the locker room. It wasn't often that he felt the need to hit something, but that was exactly what he wanted. If only he had someone to spar with.

That might not be the best idea though. He wanted to draw blood. If he was to spar with someone it was likely he would cause some real damage. He had already done that to someone he cared for. He didn't want to hurt anyone else.

Changing into his workout clothes Callen walked back into the gym. He took a few breaths attempting to calm himself down but it didn't work out all that well. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be able to calm down for awhile.

Wrapping his knuckles he made his way towards the punching bag. He didn't usually use the bag but it got out a lot of aggression quickly. That was exactly what he needed at the moment. Snapping at people because he was angry would end badly.

That was exactly what he was though. He wasn't just saddened by losing Deeks, but pissed off about the whole situation. Actually, that was a lie. He was just pissed at himself. If he had just done his damn job than this wouldn't have happened.

Hetty had brought the younger man onto the team to fill in a part that they needed. She had gone out of her way to find someone outside of NCIS and found the exact person that they needed. The person that they didn't even know they needed.

When she gave him the younger man's file he was actually very impressed with him. Not just his arrest record either. The fact that he went to law school before he started as a cop. Then the fact that he still kept that degree up to date.

That alone made him an asset to them. Over the years Callen had walked into a lot of cases where being able to go undercover as a crooked lawyer would have helped. Neither he nor Sam would be able to do that without needing prep time.

Add onto that the fact that he actually looked like a surface. That was something else that the others couldn't do. Well, he and Kensi could do a half decent job, but Sam did not look like he belonged on the beach at all.

Callen knew that they made fun of the blond for looking and acting like a quintessential Cali boy, but that was exactly what they needed half the time. Sure, he couldn't go undercover as a military man very easily.

That was why they worked as a team. When one of them couldn't do a thing that the case needed someone else could. Everyone had a different set of skills. If they all had the same skills than there would be no reason to even have a team.

They needed someone like Deeks for cases. They needed Sam, Kensi, and himself too. Hell, they needed Eric, Nell, and Hetty and even Granger. If one of them wasn't good at the specific skills they had than there was a chance the case wouldn't be solved.

Every single one of them knew that, but at the end of the day each other them liked their way and had a hard time understanding the others ways. Some of them could step back and realize that the other person was doing a good job with the case their way.

Sam, on the other hand, had a problem with it. He had gotten used to Callen and Kensi, but never with Deeks. The two of them were just too different. There was basically nothing that would make Sam see the man as an equal.

He had known that was a problem, but he thought it would work itself out. That Sam just needed some time to not only get past Dom's murder but it get used to the new man. That's what it had taken for Sam to get used to him.

It wasn't often that Callen was so wrong about something. In truth, he didn't know how he could have been so wrong about the whole situation. He also didn't know how he could have been so blind to it all.

The thing that got to Callen the most though was that he had thought Deeks had been blind to it too. Or at the very least he had thought the man just didn't care about what Sam thought. Looks like he did.

"Hey, G," Sam greeted walking up behind the bag he was beating, "It working?"

"Not really," Callen panted out.

"What's got you so worked up?"

"Deeks."

"What did he do this time?"

"Sam..."

"Come on, Callen. The guy has been 'sick' for a week. He's not made for this if a little cold knocks him this far on his ass."

"Stop."

"What? You know I'm right. He's not..."

"He's damn good at his job and you know it."

Callen watched his partner take a step back and stare at him. It wasn't often that he went off on the other man, but when he did it usually got him to stop whatever he was doing and pay attention. Which he needed right then.

"Sam," Callen started staring at him, "Ever since Deeks joined the team you've been treating him like shit."

"It's not my fault he's not ready to be an agent," Sam scoffed.

"Did you offer to teach him? Or did you just make fun of him for what you thought was a weakness?"

"What the hell are you going on about? You've been on his case too!"

"I know! I never should have let it get this far. I should have talked to you and Kensi before..."

"Before what? Callen, what is going on with Deeks?"

Shaking his head Callen turned away and started to pace. He hated when something like this happened. It always showed the parts of the team that were the weakest. Apparently communication was the major spot.

For some reason Callen always thought that his team was in perfect working order. It always hurt him when that was thrown in his face. He thought he worked so hard to keep them safe and… And he was just wrong.

He couldn't blame Sam for what happened or Deeks for how he reacted to everything. He was the team leader. It was his job to keep them all safe and sound. It was his job to keep his people as his people.

It wasn't just Deeks he had failed. He had also failed everyone else. If he couldn't keep one of his teammates safe from the others he had no business being team leader. He wasn't even sure how he got there in the first place anymore.

"Callen," Sam said resting a hand on his shoulder, "Talk to me."

"Deeks is a good operative and a good man," Callen answered softly.

"You sound like he's dying or something. He's not, right? He's okay?"

"He's not dying, but I don't think he's okay."

Sam pushed Callen by the shoulder over to one of the benches. He knew the man wanted him to sit down and explain but he felt too keyed up. Instead he started to pace in front of the bench while Sam sat.

"What did Deeks say?" Sam asked after a pregnant pause.

"Nothing," Callen shook his head, "I haven't talked to him."

"Why not? If something's wrong you should find out."

"I should, but I don't think he trusts me or you or Kensi for that matter."

"He doesn't trust us?"

"It's not like we gave him a reason to. We make fun of him for every little thing. We tell him that he's not good enough after he keeps us safe out in the field and none of us ever bothered to offer to teach him anything to help him improve. And when was the last time any of us bothered to see if he was okay after a gun fight? Face it, Sam, he had a damn good reason to not trust us."

"We don't baby him. That's a good thing. He need to stand on his own two feet."

"Seeing if he didn't get injured isn't babying him. It's what teammates do. Also, when was the last time you worked a case alone? Because we both know the LAPD gives you an assignment and then throw you to the wolves."

"He's not an agent."

"He could be. If any of us had bothered to teach him he could be an amazing agent."

"So why not teach him now? It's not like he's… He's leaving, isn't he? That's why you're mad at him."

"I'm not made at him. I'm mad at myself and disappointed in all of us. We're losing a teammate because we were assholes to him. We never even gave him a chance."

Letting a sigh fall from his lips Callen sat next to his partner. The anger had finally left the man. Now he just felt drained by the whole situation. The worst part was he was still at the beginning. There was a lot left to go.

Placing his head in his hands Callen tried to take a few deep breaths. His head felt like it was going to explode. Ever since he found out the younger man was going to leave them he had been trying to figure out how to get him to stay.

He came up with nothing. Deeks was going to leave them and there was nothing any of them could do to change that. Not unless the detective had a heart of gold and gave them a second chance. One that they really didn't deserve.

"Callen," Sam tried to say.

"Don't," Callen interrupted shaking his head, "We… I failed. There's nothing more than that. I failed."

Without waiting for his partner to say anything Callen stood up and went into the locker room for a shower. It was the beginning of the work day but all he wanted to do was go home. He was just done with people for the day.

In all of his life he had never felt as disgusting with himself as he did. Which was saying something because he had done a lot of things in both his childhood and his career that he was not proud of. Most of which still haunted him.

This was just another thing to add to a list that was already too long. How could he possibly be okay with the fact that him turning a blind eye to something had caused his friend to walk away? Could he still call him a friend?

Drying off quickly he changed back into his street clothes and went back to his to his desk. Sam and Kensi were already there working in an uncomfortable silence. It didn't happen often that they were all quiet, but it always spelled disaster.

"Callen," he said picking up his phone right as he sat at his desk.

"Hey, it's Deeks," came the soft subdued response.

"Didn't think I'd be hearing from you."

"I can..."

"No! I didn't mean it was a bad thing. We need to talk."

"Agreed. Meet me at my place and please don't tell Sam and Kensi. I don't think I'm ready for all of you yelling at me at once."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can't tell my how I hurt him Deeks is my favorite character. And this is the final chapter. I love how this ended though. I hope you guys liked it as much as I did!
> 
> If you want to be kept up to date with redos on stories or want to know more about stories that will be started soon or even ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing!

Blue eyes stared at the door waiting for a knock to come. Deeks had been waiting for Callen to come over and he had to admit it was killing him. He just wanted to get the whole conversation over with before it drove him insane.

Ever since Eric and Nell had told him to talk to the agent his mind had been working over time. Every way the conversation could happen had ran through his head. Somehow the ending got worse and more violent each time.

A voice in the back of his mind told him that it was ridiculous to be afraid of the older man. Callen might be one of the strongest men that he knew, but he wasn't randomly violent person. Unless he did something to harm the man or someone he cared for.

For a time he had thought that his leaving would cause some pain in the team, but he knew that was wrong. Eric and Nell might not like that he wasn't coming back, but they understood why. They weren't going to go talk to the agent about it though.

As for Hetty he knew that she disliked the whole thing. He wouldn't be all the surprised if she was disappointed in him. Hell, he was disappointed in himself. He really had tried to make being on a team work. It seemed as if he wasn't cut out for that though.

After everything that had happened with his parents Deeks had tried to find someone that filled the spot of a family for him. In all his years the closest thing he could find had been with Ray, but he had all but lost that now.

For awhile he had thought that he had found it in the team. Deeks had no idea how that had ended up crashing down around him, but he did. The whole situation had just fallen apart and even when he looked past he had no idea what happened.

Deeks had always thought that he was a pretty good judge of character. It helped him a lot when he went undercover. The best way to get tot he top of any organization was to find an in. That in happened when you knew the people.

If he couldn't judge a person after one meeting than he was all but screwed. He made reading people a career. So had they. The old saying 'It takes a thief to catch a thief' was flawed in his mind. If they knew how the other thief operated they were basically unbeatable.

Callen, Sam and Kensi were just better than him. He had known that going NCIS, but he had thought that he would learn from them. Instead he had been made fun of every time they came across something that he wasn't used to doing.

Everyone always said that Callen was a lone wolf, but he was a lot more used to working with people than Deeks was. He had people to have his back even when he didn't want them. In truth, Callen was never actually alone in anything he did.

Deeks, on the other hand, had no one at his side if something went wrong. Once he went under for the LAPD he was alone. Sure he had to call them to tell them what he had found and that he wasn't dead, but outside of that he was alone out there.

When he first started undercover he had learned that one of the most important things he could have was a connection with people. If he needed information or help with anything his best bet was with a community rather than his colleagues.

There was a reason why so many on the force disliked him. It was because he knew that cops could be just as criminal as the people they were putting away. Hell, from the cops he helped put behind bars they could be worse.

Don't get him wrong. He loved being a cop and everything they stood for. At least everything they should stand for. He knew as well as anyone that even the best people could go bad quickly. It didn't matter who they were it was his job to stop them.

Okay, so it wasn't exactly the best way to make friends or move up in his career. It had stung a little in the beginning when he realized it, but he was doing good work. In the end that was the only thing that he actually cared about.

Before Deeks could think any more a knock finally came to the door. His heart jumped to his throat pounding angrily. Even though he had been waiting for the knock he had been dreading it at the same time. He really didn't want to talk to Callen.

Taking a deep breath Deeks got off the couch and went to the door. Instantly Monty was by his feet ready to protect him if need be. It was always nice when he saw that the dog was ready to fight. He knew it was just his training but he loved the mutt.

"Callen," Deeks greeted opening the door, "Come in."

"Thanks," the agent nodded his head walking past him, "Hey, Monty."

The two men stood in the living room in an awkward silence. Both men knew that they needed to talk, but neither of them knew what to say. The whole situation was just too complicated to jump in head first without it getting messy.

"Beer?" Deeks offered already heading into the kitchen.

"Please," Callen responded, "Unless you have something stronger."

"Not really. I drink beer at home and the harder stuff at bars."

"Why?"

"To stop from drinking too much."

"You were raised by an alcoholic. It's a good plan. I do the same thing."

"Then why ask for something stronger?"

"Because this is going to be a hard conversation. Though I think the hardest part is over."

"Any why exactly is that?"

Instead of answering him Callen grabbed the beer from his hand and went into the living room. Feeling more than a little confused Deeks followed him only to see him holding a book that Hetty had gave him to study.

He had been a little surprised when he first got the books. While he knew that there was a lot more than guns and lies to undercover work the amount of things she wanted him to learn was a lot more than he had expected.

Books on law, religion, and languages had been given to him with the knowledge that there was a lot more. In the few days that he had had the books he had gone through one book on law. He was really glad that he had some previous knowledge.

Reading about how the laws were in other places was fascinating. Though he had to admit it scared him at the same time. He knew that some places had different ways of doing things, but it was still a little mind blowing.

Then there were the laws of the Navy itself. That was something else to learn about. He had known that they had their own set of laws and way of doing things, but he hadn't thought that it was as different as it was.

"Hetty give you these?" Callen questioned flipping through the book.

"Yeah," Deeks replied with a nod and slight chuckle, "You should see the book I have in my room. I got to saw Navy law is complicated as hell."

"So I've heard. I met a JAG officer a few years back. I can call him and see if he can help you work through some of the finer nuances."

Deeks head snapped towards the older man not believing what he was hearing. When he had envisioned having a conversation with Callen it went nothing like it was. He had thought that the man would tell him off or say he was glad he was leaving.

This was not the man that he was used to dealing with. It was actually more than little concerning to deal with the man like this. He could deal with anger or being made fun of, but the idea of him acting as if he cared was wrong on many levels.

"What's your game?" Deeks questioned anger filling him, "Why are you suddenly acting like you care?"

"It's not an act," Callen answered shaking his head, "It's me realizing that I was an asshole."

"Now? You're just now realizing that?"

"Of course now. Why realize that I'm losing a friend when I can actually do something about it?"

Callen looked so lost there for a moment that Deeks had no idea what to do. He wanted to stay pissed at the other man for being so blind to what had been happening. At the same time though he hated seeing someone hurt.

As much as he hated to admit it he still cared about Callen and the team. He knew that it was stupid but he couldn't stop himself. He wasn't the type of person to spend everyday for years with people and not care for them.

Sighing Deeks walked over to the older man and nudged him slightly. When blue eyes met the detective found himself smiling. He was still upset about everything but he wasn't going to kick a guy when he was down. No matter how much he wanted to.

"Callen," Deeks shook his head.

"You don't have to try to make me feel better," Callen cut him off, "I know what I did."

"What did you do?"

"Deeks..."

"No, I need to know. I'm tired of my mind coming up with stupid shit that doesn't make sense. Tell me what you think is going on."

The agent stared at Deeks in silence as if he was trying to decide if he should do as he was asking. After a moment his shoulders dropped as he sat on the couch. He looked so uncomfortable trying to figure out what to say.

"Okay," Callen nodded his head, "What do you want to know?"

"Why didn't you care about me before this?" Deeks questioned softly.

"I did care. I did...I just… I was an idiot. I had thought that you knew you were part of the team."

"How was I supposed to know that? You either ignored me or made me feel like shit for not being good enough."

"Of course you're good enough, Deeks."

"Then why?"

"I don't know!"

Deeks flinched slightly at the man's yell. That was the man that he knew. Which was a lot sadder than he liked to think about. Callen was only ever that short with a person if they were a suspect or if they were Deeks. Other than then he was a good guy.

When Deeks had first met Callen he thought that they would get along well. In a way there were cut from the same cloth. Both lone wolves that had troubled childhoods and were still in serach of the family they had never known.

It was wrong of him to think it but he was a little jealous of the older man. As bad as it sounded he had often wondered what it would have been like to not know who his parents were or how different it would be like to be in the foster system.

He had heard a lot of different stories as a kid and somehow they didn't make him think that having his mother take care of him was better. Maybe because she never really took care of him. They were more like roommates if he was honest.

She did what she did and he did everything else. To this day he wondered if he should have just dealt with the beatings. It would have hurt, but he would have had a mother that loved him. That would been worth it though. Right?

"Sorry," Callen sighed staring at the ground, "Listen to me, Deeks. What happened had nothing to do with you."

"But..." Deeks tried to interrupt.

"No. We were asshole for no reason. We made fun of you instead of teaching you. We blew off the skills you have because we thought we were better than you. We ignored you when you could have been hurt. We treated you like an outsider when we should have treated you like a teammate. Hetty brought you in to be a part of our family and we threw that in her face. We never gave you a chance and that is on us… On me. I failed you, Marty, and I'm sorry that I didn't step up and bring you in before it was too late."

As the words washed over him the pieces started to fall into place. He was at the center of the whole situation and yet he had absolutely nothing to do with it. He was the unfortunate person that they needed to push them to facing whatever it was they needed to face.

Shaking his head he sat next to Callen on the couch. He had wanted so badly to be part of their family that he never really thought about what her or not they were ready for someone else. He did come on fairly quickly after Dom died.

"How long after Dom died did Hetty bring me in?" Deeks asked softly.

"About six months," Callen answered before looking over at him, "Wait, do you think that we're not over that?"

"Well, I'm not Nate, but it makes sense. Hetty brought me in before you guys were ready to have someone else join you. When I cam in you all expected someone like him."

"Instead we got a seasoned operator. We were treating you like a newbie that had no idea what he was doing."

"Exactly."

"It makes sense. It doesn't excuse how we treated you though."

"No, but at least I know it's not my fault."

"No, it was mine."

"You weren't the only one that..."

"Maybe not, but I am the team leader. I should have noticed and done something."

The men sat there in silence for a moment thinking about everything that they had discussed. For the first time since he joined the team he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Of course that meant Callen felt like shit now.

"You're still not coming back," Callen smiled sadly.

"No, I don't think so. Not yet at least. I think we all need a little time before… You know."

"Probably a good idea."

Nodding his head Deeks downed the last of his beer before standing up. He didn't know what else he was supposed to say. Callen knew that he was leaving the team. There was no real reason for the agent to stay now that he knew the truth.

"I wasn't joking about the JAG officer," Callen offered calmly staring at him, "I know he wouldn't mind helping."

"You don't owe me anything," Deeks responded with a shake of his head.

"I know. Until those papers are signed though you're still part of my team and I expect you to be safe out there. Don't give me a reason to have to save your ass."

Smiling happily Deeks found himself pulled into a hug by the older man. It wasn't the solution that Callen had wanted, but he felt good knowing that at the very least the man finally seen him for him. Even if it was right before he was leaving.

"You're still my friend, Marty," Callen said firmly, "Even if you don't believe that and even though you're leaving. If you need anything tell me. I'll do everything I can to help you."


End file.
